~*it feckin pours....

Yeap... when it's rains, it does effin pours. And whose fault is it? Who the eff knows anymore. Does it effin matters? Not in my effin book it doesn't. Eff you and you and you! Not the you and you and you reading this ok... only the you and you and you I am effin about. Eff.

~*ways to terminate oneself....??

... and that was the conversation on a Tuesday morning, not even half way through the week. Apparently I am quite an expert on the subject matter and roomie was quite impressed, but said if one day the method was used, I shouldn't feel guilty about it. :p Dunno if many people talks about such topics as lightly but when you're depressed... you're depressed.

Yea, I know, we're always depressed. When things comes crashing in waves... you will get beaten down, but good thing is, after a rant, maybe a couple of drinks afterwards or whatever, it numbs the crash... somewhat. Doesn't make it go away totally, but numbs... lessen... distracts.

How cool will it be to be able to be in the shoes of those people wandering the corners of our earth without a care in the world, except for where to go and what to eat next. Yes we call that vacation, but some people call that life. Or to be in the shoes of those who actually love their jobs, can't wait to be at work, and derives such satisfaction/fulfillment from there. How much better life would be if we can have simpler minds and just able to accept that this is it to life - work in a job you don't have the motivation to wake up to, or can't wait to get home from - like clockwork zombie, plan some trips away some time, and repeat that for the rest of your life. How nice... but, don't think can bring myself to wish for that. So suffer I shall... and whine I will... I guess.

Totally unrelated - you know how people always say if men of a certain age, say 40s, who are single are bound to come with some defects? I think I might want to agree to that, especially men of certain age, who's single and never been married. If you look real close, you might see "issues with commitment" flashing on their forehead... if you can take away the altered lenses you're wearing when in love, long enough to see that. Sigh.

~*hope your friday is better than mine...

In between dealing with bloody users and work... pray god today end soon... like now.

~*transform hers...

When I walked past this poster at the movies the other day... and eventhough the the people inside are tiny, my eyes immediately went to Megan Fox's extra protruding chest! Push ups or plastics... well done girl...!

~*on the path to recovery...

physically that is. I am feeling much better compared to the last couple of days in bed with the big bad bug. But mentally...ekh, same old same old and until I get what I want... nay, deserve! (thank you Barney Stinson, I love you so!) Oh yea, until I get what I deserve in life, the good things only, tqvm, I think my mental state will pretty much be bouncing back and forth between whiny and depressive... ok, to be fair, the occasional 'happy days' too.

Sigh. Maybe I need to open my eyes to see the good things and be more appreciative... maybe someone need to open them for me. That is actually a scary thought literally. Maybe I should just be more thankful(?)... or maybe I should just eff it. I think effing it sounds more appealing right now.

On a more positive note, apparently this ol diary of mine just made... wait for it... RM... wait for it... 0.25! Haha... and I only need another RM 49.75 before i get paid. Hahaha... nice.

~*trapped in this so called life...

For good things to come to you, no. 1, you have to ask for it, no.2, you have to be really positive and believe it in. I am incapable of being positive all the time. It feels force(read: fake) when I really "think positive".

Don't know about anyone else, but I am always depressed when I am sick and even when I am starting to get better. Been in bed since Monday night, the big bad fever flu and throat infection (but thank god not THE FLU), and I think I am getting better today, but hell... am I feeling depressed or what??!

The boss called last night to ask about the ratings given to the team. She doesn't like the idea that everyone got good ratings. I told her to change it according to her judgement, in other unspoken words = I don't care. And then she was asking about mine and what I think about being in the position I am in the past year. I just said need more improvement and also I don't mind if she wants to change the ratings according to her judgement, also = I don't care. For godsake, I was wheezing and coughing all the while talking to her, I can't even think properly, she expect me to make sense during the call? And I am horrible in "selling" myself, so seriously, Whatever.

Sigh... Everything has been one big dissapointment after another. I asked and I have been waiting, patiently. So now I am going to demand, you good things better be coming my way soon... else, one fine day when I am really all dead inside I might just pre-empt my life and get it over with... if I have the guts.

Eff the world and everything in it...

This has not been a good day at the part time bacon place. Screw you and screw you and screw you!

Oh... I am depressed, can you tell? Duh.

~*it's beginning to feel like... a chore. That's what!

I am talking about the concerts, that's what. The joy of that peanut-ish job is turning into more of a chore these days, and even more so today at the debriefing session after the a full morning of concerts (2 of them!).

Yes, a lot of things needed improvement, especially And mainly for those who's been there for ages but still clueless (by choice I would say!)... well ok, some of the newer ones are also pretty common sense-less and definitely not up to expectation, but improvement aside, the whole feel of the place is no longer the same. Gone are the carefree days where we actualy enjoy doing it, while doing a good job, or at least as what is expected of us. The complains today were plainly daft, and the reactions were insincere and feels downright fake. But I especially cannot stand the so call leads who points out others' 'glaring mistakes' when they themselves may be even worse or more guilty of that same mistake.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a case of leads vs the non leads, cos I am also one of the leads. Sigh... apparently for te new season, before signing the yearly contract, we'll all go through a 3 months probation. And I was thinking... 3 months probation and then What? Confirm us? No contract for us? What??? Stupid new management. Stupid new arrogant head. Stupid people for sucking the joy out of my part time bacon. Sigh...

Ah well... was going to say, on to happier things, but can't find anything that makes my heavy heart leap out of this current mood. Damn. Shall go grab a drink... laters...